


A November Night

by Pokypup49



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Hurt, Lieutenant-Colonel Roy days, Pining, Younger Royai, friendship wanting more, wanting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26375317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pokypup49/pseuds/Pokypup49
Summary: Roy helps Riza move into her new place and they are able to sit down and remember good times when they were younger, until one memory comes up.
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	A November Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fullmetalscully](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetalscully/gifts).



> I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of Arakawa's characters. I only dream I do. 
> 
> TO: Emma... Your daily angst is provided here. Thanks for being a good friend.

It was raining. The heavy drops beat against the windowpane, like fingers dribbling on a drum. The lights were left on in the small apartment, where they leaned against the wall. Two bowls of stew, empty but cold broth at the bottom and a spoon resting along the lip, sat together on the table. The apartment was barren, plus a few boxes, and the two bodies that sat on the floor, leaning against the wall. A wine bottle separated them, their fingers swirling the red in their short glasses they'd once used for water. Though their bodies were apart, their laughs joined in feverish song, and she noted his smile was generous as it was when they were children. It’d been years since they had sat down like this. It’d been years since they were happy. The air was light as he poured more wine into her glass, chuckling. His body bounced with each chuckle, his sideways grin growing. 

“You’re father was so angry after that.” He poured some wine into his own glass. His toothy grin shining in the light. 

She took a drink, relishing in the sweet tartness of the red grapes it was made from, looking up at the ceiling of her apartment. “I think he’s rolling over in his grave knowing his protege and his daughter are in the military.” Her cheeks felt warm from the intoxication, her body relaxed, her shoulders dropped. Riza’s normal demeanor was all but discarded as the back of her head rolled against the wall to look at her superior officer next to her. 

The man ran his hand through his black hair, letting it fall over his eyes. He was handsome, as he had always been. He was fit, always working out what he would call his angst, and his shoulders square. His eyes would grow ambitious, and she found herself unable to separate herself from his projected confidence. Tonight, it was relaxed, and she saw this man who was mortal, who was willing to let down his guard for a bottle of wine with his friend after moving a few boxes. His legs straight out in front of him, his ankles crossed at the end. She’d always been fascinated with him since she was young. Now that they were adults, the fascination had grown into respect. “He’d roll over in his grave if he knew it was me that lit the kitchen on fire.” 

Riza pointed a finger at him from her glass, squinting her eyes with a smirk. “You were his favorite. I should have told him it was you. Nothing would have come of it.” She took a sip and let her legs slip out from her chest, collapsing alongside his. Her foot bounced off his once-twice, before she began to laugh again. “I have to wonder what else you did while I was off in school.” 

Roy quickly shook his head. “I’m not going to tell you.” He raised a finger to the ceiling. “I will tell you that it is incredibly difficult to blame you while you’re not there.” 

Her head fell into her palm and her shoulders shook with her laugh. 

“And that you are lucky you didn’t go into alchemy. It was damn near dangerous when I got into it.” 

“You were natural at it,” she quickly argued. She brushed her bangs from her face. “You took to it so fast. I never had a chance. Father always wanted me to make something of myself, and here I am, loitering in East City with the likes of you.” 

“Ha,” he laughed. “Loitering…” 

“What would you call it?” Riza let her foot knock against his. 

Roy looked up at the window, hearing the wind picking up, whistling through the weak seal of the window. “Loitering,” he mumbled. “I’d probably call it something like scheming.” 

“You’re no different than when I first met you,” she remarked with a giggle. 

“This time I’m going to die trying.” He sighed, pulling his eyes from the window and to hers. She stared into them, seeing a certain softness - no - a fondness that she’d seen only once before. Memories of them huddled on a couch, her in his arms, as the fire crackled in front of them. Would it be wrong to reach out for his hand now?

“Well, your convictions were always your best attribute,” she rolled her eyes, pulling herself away from his to avoid awkward decisions her mind was aching for her to make. 

Roy waved a hand between the two of them. He sighed, looking around the apartment. “Neither one of us have anything.” His chuckles died down. “Maybe we should actually get some furniture.” He shifted himself to sit up against the wall more properly. “Starting with a couch.” 

She shook her head, curling some hair behind her ear. “It’s nice to live this simple.” She took a drink of the wine. It wasn’t wine that she would have bought for herself. He’d brought it over when she asked if he’d help move the boxes. “Plus, where would I have any furniture? This place is too small. All I need is a kitchen and a bed.” 

He nodded before taking a small sip. “And a few boxes. He waved his hand to one of them. “You’re still carrying around these things?” Truth was, he’d brought two bottles of wine. This was their second. 

“It’s all I have left of that place,” she whispered her answer. “It’s always been my duty to protect his work.” 

“You could burn it.” He laughed softly. “I could burn it.” 

“You’ll want it one day.” She shrugged, leaning against the box to her left. “You’ll wonder whatever happened to that book with Riza’s mom’s picture in it?” 

Roy squinted his eyes at her. “You don’t have any pictures of your mother…” 

“I should get rid of them though.” Her eyes grew sober on the box in front of them, holding the last of her father’s works and secrets. “It’s just all I have left of him.” 

Roy nodded. “Then you’ll need a bookshelf.” 

“I don’t need anything,” her elbow reached for his ribs. 

“I can’t say I have anything different.” He took a large gulp of his wine. “I’m holding out till I get to be Fuhrer. Then I will have a luscious couch and a big enough table for the whole team to sit at. We can scheme all we want.” 

She laughed loudly, letting her head fall back. They had to scheme in secrecy, they had to spend as much time away from the spotlight as possible. They had created a ruse, a deflection of truth that laid behind the Lieutenant Colonel’s ambitions. So far, the growing team had nothing but admiration for him, and his dedication to them as soldiers. They’d take him all the way to the top. He had that kind of influence on people. He had that kind of influence on her. She was there to make sure he’d get to the top, to be Fuhrer. There, he’d make everything right. 

The air grew somber and she heard a few more chuckles next to her as he looked down in his glass. His fingers held it delicately as if it was about to break with the swirl he gave it. The last time she could remember them being so close, and so joyful, was when her father had passed. It wasn’t that they were celebrating her loss, but more so that they were reconnecting, telling the same stories as they were now, and laughing about their escapades as children. This time, it had bits of their cadet lives as well. She knew Roy was a determined fellow, stubborn and willful. It was no different as a young cadet. The surprise was the pranks he’d pull in the barracks, or how he and Maes Hughes would cause trouble for the rest of the class. She was finally able to sit down and hear what he’d been up to years after the fact. She was privileged to know who he was behind the uniform, and stand next to him in Amestian blue.

“Do you really think General Grumman will approve Sergeant Fuery into your office?” She didn’t know what else to say. The awkwardness was seeping in and the weight of the current events edged to the topic at hand. 

“He seems to favor me,” Roy smirked. 

“Don’t get cocky,” she nudged him with that back of her hand. “You always screw things up when you get up over your head.” 

Roy gasped dramatically. “I will have you know that I don’t screw things up anymore. I plan things a little better these days.” He nodded his head with a confident grin. “General Grumman and I have started playing chess. He seems to enjoy beating me.” 

She tilted her head to the side, a curious raise of her eyebrow. “You let him beat you?” It wasn’t like Roy in the least to let himself be beaten, but it wouldn’t be above him to play the political route and let a general beat him to make friends with the old fox.

“Oh,” he laughed with a quick shake of his head. “No, he is that good! But he’s teaching me other things. I think he likes me.” He wore the same confident smirk she first saw on him when he met her father. He said the same thing to her too, that her father liked him. It was true, as later events would pan out. Her father took right to him like a son and taught him things that Riza never had an interest in. It didn’t hurt her feelings, in contre, she felt it was good for her father to work with someone else. She continued her own way, letting her father be happy with teaching.

“Still,” she took a larger drink of her wine and sighed. “You better be careful. I can’t help you once you’re in jail and court-martialed.” She couldn’t help him most of the time when they were younger. She could only watch and shake her head, counting the days before she’d go to school again and rid herself of his antics. There were only so many iron roses that she could handle, toothy grins she could bear, and late-night study sessions that kept her up so he could attempt to impress her. She was too young to know what was going on, and Roy was too bored to know any different.

He snorted a laugh. “You didn’t help me with the Jacob’s horse either,” he muttered. 

“That’s because you got cocky. You needed to get your head out of the clouds.” 

“My head hit the ground!” He pointed to his head. 

“That’s what’s been off about you,” she tapped her chin with her finger. “I always thought it was your ego, but maybe it was a horse.” 

“You’re cruel,” he muttered again. His eyes panned back to the window as it shook, the little metal hook holding the window closed. A cool draft wafted towards them and Riza wondered if she should dig into a box and grab a blanket. She’d need an extra one tonight. 

Instead, she laughed, holding her stomach as she did so. There was something she missed about this, and yet, she felt it may be the last time. His determination got in the way when she missed his smile or his youthful laugh. Things had changed for the both of them. Suddenly, she didn’t want things to have changed. She wanted to just forget their past, let destiny be, if she did believe in destiny which she didn’t, and they could be together like they had once before. 

“Remember when we found dad’s bourbon,” she whispered to her wine, “and got drunk…” 

He nodded, raising an eyebrow. He must have known where the conversation was going. Her father’s bourbon had brought them tight beneath the sheets, covered in the dark room, from the ghostly stares of her father. It’d felt so wrong when they woke the next day, but at that moment, Riza would never forget how perfect she’d felt. The following days, as he studied her back, she knew he felt it too, and when he left to go back, their fingers slipped apart and nothing would be the same again. 

“That’s when I knew I had to follow you.” She sighed loudly. She held back admitting her thoughts. She had to follow him because she had nowhere else to go. She had to follow him because she had no one else. She had to follow him because no one ever made her feel like _that._ “Look where that’s got me.” She giggled, trying to lighten the air from what had all been insinuated, from all that their mind had dipped into. Fond memories or awkward feelings, her father’s bourbon was not a subject that would be forgotten.

“That’s not where I thought that was going… where did the joyful conversation go?” He picked up the bottle of wine, reaching to pour the rest of it in her glass. “Let’s forget that for the moment,” he encouraged, a smiling glint in his dark eyes. 

“Roy,” she breathed. Forget what? Forget that they had a chance at being together but what completely ruined by blood-soaked sand and alchemy? Forget that their one chance at happiness was slaughtered when she decided to hold him to his promises, to protect her father’s legacy, and stand next to him for the rest of his life? It wasn’t marriage unless marriage was something that kept them so emotionally separated and their lives dangerously intertwined. Happiness was what people had with rings and flowers and a normal life, ignorant of the country’s crime against humanity. Instead, the two of them would never part, only in death, and yet be barred from anything else by duty and dreams.

Roy froze. They didn’t use their first names. That was a slip neither could make. They’d moved past that, into a mindset that they were “Hawkeye and Mustang.” They were no longer children that were able to just call out names innocently. The military didn’t allow that kind of informality and neither needed the insinuation of fraternization to throw them off their path. Slipping off that road of military formality was dangerous, but maybe so was having two bottles of wine alone in an apartment. The lines had blurred dangerously so. 

“I want to forget it all,” she said to her wine. “I know what we did. I know what we must do, but I wish for a moment that we could forget it.” Her chest sunk as did her breath. It was a bad dream that they called reality, and she could never wake up from it. 

“You’re all doom and gloom when you get drunk,” he grumbled, his ankles unfolding to rotate and fold again. 

“So are you,” she snorted, smiling softly. “Why do you think I asked for you to bring wine instead of whiskey.” He was intolerable when he was drinking whiskey.

He scrunched his nose. “I’ve been in a rather good mood lately, I will have you know.” 

“You have,” Riza quickly agreed. He’d been holding a spring in his step and a puff in his chest as he walked down the halls. Unsure of the actual excuse he had, she was happy for him. She had assumed it was because Lieutenant Breda had agreed to transfer. The man was a genius and Roy had taken a liking to him the second they’d met. Considering that he and Lieutenant Havoc were friends, it was a strategic move to keep the group tight. “What’s up with that?” 

“Things just seem to be going my way and I’m happy about it.” Roy shrugged. “And you’re not happy?” 

She gave him a crooked frown, biting at the end of her lip. Happiness was subjective. It ebbed and flowed between wants and needs. She wanted to be happy, and other times she didn’t feel she deserved it. But it didn’t stop her from stopping to watch the robins from feeding its chicks, or the grass wave a silver band in the wind. If Riza could put it into better terms, she’d settle for content. She’d be happy to live just in the moment and to just know that there was purpose to all things in life. At that moment, Roy could not bring her happiness as he intended. 

“What can I do to make you happy,” he asked, turning to face her. “I can bring you some nice flowers for your dining room table. I can be to work on time for a week, but don’t ask for more than that,” he chuckled lowly. “I can even be sure to order you that new rifle you have been drooling over in that catalog.” Roy leaned forward. “Just tell me. If I’m happy, I want you to be happy too.” 

He would give her anything. He cared about her more than anyone else, she knew. “That’s the thing,” she whispered. “I’ve missed this.” The happiness, the contentness, that she sought was in his arms that night. Her stomach grew warm as she imagined his arms around her. She needed nothing else but the light breath of his slumbering behind her. 

He stopped, frowning with a sigh through his nose. He’d tried to avoid this topic, avoid his own weaknesses. Her need for him was something he was well aware of as his feelings for her were no different. She didn’t think that either could talk about it, though. Neither were able to project their feelings without breaking laws. 

It didn’t mean that she couldn’t try. “Let’s just…” Riza turned to face him, her brown eyes now begging for his touch. “Can we just put up our uniforms for one night? Can we just pretend that this,” she waved her hands in the air, “all this is just a bad dream?” Her hand reached out to grab his.

“I think you’re drunk,” he chuckled nervously, watching her hand grasp his. He didn’t pull from her, only watched it as if he was surprised to see it there, but didn’t feel a threat from it. Her heart beat loudly against her ribs, adrenaline surged, and Riza wondered if he felt the same. 

“Maybe I am,” she admitted with a squeeze of his hand. “But I know that I do…” She paused, looking at her bedroom. “I’ve never forgotten that night, and I miss it. I miss us.” She missed waking up to him, even if it was for that one night, it was something her heart would forever desire again.

Roy pulled his hand from hers and stood up. He quietly grabbed the empty bottle of wine and put it on the table. “We can’t,” he admitted quietly. “We can’t risk any of this.” His eyes sewed shut tightly, his hands bracing against the table. His head fell and she half expected him to start crying. The shake of confliction in his shoulders was proof enough that it hurt him to say it. 

“But you did come over,” Riza quickly argued, standing up. “You still came over and risked this.” She stepped next to him, reaching out to him. 

“This is different,” he whispered, stepping from her. “This isn’t helping my subordinate.” There it was. He’d already separated them from what was on the floor laughing, to a formal setting. To Riza, Roy was denying that he was having any feelings at all. He had to put up a fence in order to protect himself from himself. 

“You can’t tell me that you don’t want me,” she argued quietly, her face falling with disappointment with the rejection. She spoke the truth as she watched him flinch with her words. For the rest of the year, she’d have to watch him look sadly upon her from his desk. She was his weakness, the bend in his knees that brought him to subjugation. It’d be her that he’d beg for forgiveness, begging for redemption if he hadn’t already been determined to do so without provocation. It’d be her arms he’d seek for comfort. But from behind his desk, he could only want. 

Roy bit his lip as he looked towards the door. “I really should go.” 

“Roy,” she said his name again. She said the name that was locked away, the only name that she couldn’t and shouldn’t say. She was asking _him_ to stay. She wasn’t asking her Lieutenant Colonel, but the young man that said goodbye as he headed off to boot camp. Riza held back the quiver of her tone, squeezing her fists tight to avoid a tremble. Her jaw set and her chest burned with a reply of his approval. 

He didn’t move, just looked away from her, denying that she was hurt at all. He couldn’t handle seeing her in such pain as he delivered. 

“It’s raining,” she begged. “Just stay.” Her hand waved towards the window. “It doesn’t even have to be anything other than just us.” Just them. Just the smell of him on her pillow and the sink in her mattress as he pulled her into his chest. Just the whispered words of comfort and care, adoration to each other as they woke up. It’d never be, Riza knew. 

“Riza,” he replied back quietly, her name whispered into the air. “We can’t. I can’t.” 

She looked at the ground. In her moment of weakness, Riza felt pain. Her whole body felt like it shattered. She couldn’t let him see her falter. It wasn’t about giving him the satisfaction of seeing her break. Roy didn’t want to see that. It was not letting him see her collapse because it’d break him. If she even reached for the wall to hold her up, he’d have to dismiss her as his aide because he could never feel good enough for her. Riza had to nod, bite her lip, and take the rejection as it was. Professional. 

“We can laugh, and I can hold you when you’re sad, and we can walk this path together. I’d rather have you than anyone else on Earth. But opening that door is dangerous, and I can’t.” 

Riza put her glass down on the table quickly, almost spilling it. Slip and fall, or tumble down a cliffside, Riza wasn’t one to take risks, but her body begged for her to try one more thing. Her fists reached out to grab his shirt, pulling him into a needed kiss. As she expected, he didn’t pull back. His hands instead grabbed her shoulders, squeezing them tightly as their lips pressed roughly against one another. The alcohol sealed them together, and her tongue on his bottom lip could taste the sweet delicacy of the wine. The cotton in her hands felt rough, an older shirt that he’d worn just for the move. Their noses pressed together, their breath caught by cupid and held against their own wills. Still, she pulled him closer so that their bodies touched, and tighter his grip came upon her. He pressed against her, and Riza thought for a moment that he was going to press her back against the table. She thought for a moment that she’d hear him beg for more in a light, ever vocal, whine. She wouldn’t have pulled away if she didn’t need air. 

Roy licked his lips as they parted, breathing heavily as he looked upon her with a lustful gaze. Instantly, his hands freed themselves from her shoulders and he stepped away from her. His hand covered his mouth as his eyes swept the room, looking for the answers he needed. “We can’t,” he breathed. “We can’t.” He shook his head and his hand rubbed his face. It was as if he was telling himself that more than he was telling her. Turning away from her, he walked quickly towards the front door where he grabbed his jacket. “If you need anything else, Lieutenant, please let me know.” He shook the jacket to fit comfortably over his shoulders. 

She felt a tear slide down her cheek. That was it. She was once again his lieutenant, and the wall was built. 

He stood in her entryway for a second more, and Riza swore she could see a dark sorrow spill from his lips. “I’m so sorry,” he looked up at her. “I need you on this path with me. Are you still with me?” It was his voice that quivered, his voice that was begging her now. He did need her. He needed her above all else. 

Riza nodded slowly, wiping the tear from her cheek. “Until death, Sir.” 

He nodded, turned sharply, and opened the door. “See you tomorrow morning.” 

Riza watched as he left, turning to shut her door softly. She was drunk. She’d overstepped her place as his subordinate, and overreached the generosity of their friendship. She should have known better. She could have wished for nothing else though. She opened a box and reached in to grab a set of sheets, her mind still imagining him helping her make the bed. Pulling out another blanket, an envelope fell from the blanket and onto the floor. Carefully, Riza bent over and picked it up. Her name was on it, his handwriting as it was scribbles after a sloppy R. She wanted to open it, see his letter, or card, or whatever the envelope hid from her. She didn’t expect a love note. If anything, it was a “happy home” card of some kind. She looked at it, turning the envelope over to stare at the lip, waiting to be torn open. 

Her hand pressed the envelope against the table, holding it there as she removed herself. She’d look at it in the morning when she was herself again.

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda angsty eh? Sometimes you need a bit of angst in the morning... or evening depending on where you are. Nonetheless, I hope that you enjoyed it. If you did, click that kudos button. I hope that you all have a great day! Thank you for being a reader.


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